Gifts Given, but Batteries Not Included
by wordbearer
Summary: A Moment of Whimsy Wherein Control Freak Fights the Titans and Raven Gets a Breather for Once...


I felt like having some fun with Raven for once, I've been on a doom and gloom Raven kick, with daemons and all that hopping all over the place… Trigon has practically been living on my computer at this point in time. It's time for a change. This is set post-Birthmark and pre-Prophecy as that episode hadn't aired at the point in time I wrote most of this. Anyway, I don't own Teen Titans in any way, shape, or form. That honor belongs to Cartoon Network and I do not want to challenge those people! I seek no profit from this and merely wish to avoid being sued. Please enjoy if possible.

Gifts Given, but Batteries Not Included

By Wordbearer

Control Freak giggled triumphantly as a swarm of newspapers took flight from their newsstand. They shed paper in a rustling rain as they disintegrated in midair. A trail of disorder marked his progress up the street, little vortices of insanity flaring wherever a twistedly animated object still growled and threatened observers. The obese villain was clad in his customary collage of science-fiction themed gear, his back burdened with an immense double-lobed steel pack as he wielded his enormous weapon, something that looked like the mating of a TV remote and a metal broom. He twirled on his toes as the people gaped in confusion at the bizarre chaos this squat uber-geek was unleashing. "What's the matter, people of Earth? Have you discovered what fear truly is? Do you fear Control Freak?" He aimed his weapon again and hit a fire hydrant. The device promptly grew a face and began to blast civilians with jets of water. The watching crowd scattered. His beady eyes twinkled in pleasure as he considered his next move, his fingers running over the control panel of his tool in anticipation.

The whine of starbolts signaled the arrival of his foes. Control Freak looked up to see Starfire diving down from the air as the screech of tires signaled the arrival of her teammates. The Titans piled out and began to surround the red-headed felon. Control Freak grinned coldly and flipped a switch on his weapon, setting the pack he wore to humming. Robin declared, "I don't know why you're doing this, but it's going to stop! You have one chance to surrender or else you're going down like the last Star Smasher movie!"

Control Freak bleakly muttered, "That was a great movie…"

As the other Titans rolled their eyes at the exchange, he replied more loudly, "This won't be like last time, Titans! I've done my homework, drunk too much coffee, and made a weapon you won't beat!" He brought his weapon to bear and fired a large indigo beam at Cyborg. Cyborg dodged to one side and the blast turned a black lamp post blue.

Raven raised an eyebrow in confusion, "That was effective…" Control Freak skipped backward as Starfire peppered the concrete with blasts.

He muttered under his breath, "Now where did I put that button, come on, fifty modes and I had to pick spray paint…" A green fist knocked him from his feet when Beastboy leaped in, morphed into ape form. Control Freak panicked, punched another button, and blasted the changeling at short range, the bolt sending his attacker tumbling.

Robin caught his hurling teammate and whistled, "Titans! Regroup!"

The others descended as Robin called out, "Watch out for his blasts, obviously Control Freak has upped his arsenal…"

The other Titans nodded as the villain mocked, "Right you are and I just remembered one of my favorite upgrades… Delete!" A blob of purple energy hurled towards the group.

Raven stepped forward, a determined grimace on her face. She summoned up a shield of black energy and the pulsing energies collided. The power ate away at her shield and engulfed her frame as she chanted, "Azarath Medrion…" Blink. With a pop and a flash of light, Raven was gone. A stunned silence filled the scene. Her teammates were bewildered and Control Freak drooled with pleasure at his weapon's effectiveness.

With a sacred whisper, he murmured, "Cool… I didn't know it would do that… Nice."

This snapped Beastboy out of his trance, "What did you do to her?"

Control Freak aimed as he shrugged, "Don't know. Want to find out first hand?" Another blob of energy flew at the heroes and they scattered.

"…Zinthoooos! Oof," Raven grunted as she hit ground face first after falling ten feet. The dark mystic spat grass out her mouth in disgust with her eyes closed. She paused in surprise as she processed this fact and opened her eyes. She was sitting on a grassy hill amid a plain of wildflowers under a cloudless sky. A gleaming city could be seen in the distance, towering marble architecture spearing towards the heavens. Herds of white cattle moved peaceably in the distance, their gentle lolling completing the pastoral happiness of the scene. The half-daemon was thoroughly disturbed and pushed herself to her feet. She brushed the dirt from her clothing as she tried to understand what was going on. This made no sense. One second she's fighting Control Freak in Jump City, the next she's in a scene from a crude Disney movie. If there was one thing that angered her, it was nonsense and this was a lot of nonsense…

Raven rubbed her temple as she murmured, "I would almost prefer my Father to this insanity, at least he just wants me to destroy the world, not world-hop at random."

A bright chipper voice broke into Raven's thoughts, "Oh, you don't mean that. This isn't so bad…" Raven turned her head and took in the speaker, a grinning, eight year old girl with black hair and sparkling grey eyes. The girl wore an ebony, knee-length tunic that sparkled with stars. Raven raised her hood and turned to face the newcomer.

The half-daemon spoke in a monotone, "Okay. Who are you?"

The child giggled, "Oh. I forgot to tell you my name? How rude. My name is Donna Troy, but you can call me Troia. Everyone else does."

"Uh huh. Great. What's going on?" Troia tumbled backwards into the flowers and laughed, "You're so serious. It's not like the end of the world is at stake! Sit down for a while. You look tense."

Raven mustered the reserves of her stoicism as she replied, "I am not tense. I just want to know where I am, what I'm doing here, and how I can get back to Jump City."

Troia shook her head in amusement, "Liar. You're brimming with tension, Raven. Sit down and I'll tell you everything you need to know…"

Raven gave the girl a skeptical glare, "Right."

A thought occurred to her, "How do you know my name?"

Troia rolled in the grass and looked up at the dark mystic mischievously, "Hey! I'm tutored by the Fates. I have to know that kind of stuff. Now sit down while we wait for the others to fix your little problem." A note of command entered Troia's voice, an ageless authority that didn't gel with her petite frame. Afraid, but not letting it show, Raven sat down.

Cyborg jumped over a concrete barrier and winced as the T-car slammed into it moments later. The vehicle growled ominously and backed off in search of another way to attack its creator. Cyborg muttered, "It's one thing to mess with me. It's another to mess with my ride."

Beastboy spat out dust and rose from a nearby patch of cover, "Tell me about it. If your car keeps getting possessed, why do you pack it full of so many weapons?"

Cyborg whined, "I didn't know that fat boy was going to turn my baby into a literal 'mean machine'! Last time, the guy retreated into a TV. How was I to know that he was going to pull something like this?"

Beastboy stared at his friend, "I think that you care more about your car then the fact that Raven has been deleted."

"That was cold, Grass Stain. I'm just concerned that Control Freak can manipulate something as impressive as the T-car with the…"

Beastboy looked over the barrier, went pale, and asked, "Cy. What's white, shaped like your sonic cannon, and mounted on the back of a car from hell?"

Cyborg raised his eyebrow, "Now's not the time for jokes. My car wants to kill us and… Oh." The whine of the T-car's weapon filled the air.

A discharge of sonic energy shattered the barrier and sent the pair flying through a display window. Cyborg disentangled himself from a pile of mannequins and growled, "All right. That's enough. Time to send you back to the shop." The T-car seemed to chortle malevolently as it charged its weapon for another shot. Cyborg readied his cannon in reply and locked onto the rogue vehicle. He fired and the T-car went skidding backwards before Beastboy crushed it in his dinosaur like jaws. Cyborg nodded at Beastboy's current incarnation as a T-Rex before looking for his teammates. Thunderous footfalls followed in his wake.

Raven settled uneasily to the ground as Troia beamed gleefully in her direction. Raven ventured, "You're going to give me some answers."

The girl in the ebony tunic ran a hand through her black hair as she responded, "Later. You need to learn how to sit back and enjoy the flowers first." Raven raised her eyebrow in confusion, anger beginning to simmer in the depths of her mind at the constant stream of distractions.

Troia's face fell, "Oh. Okay then. Since you want to be Miss Grumpy Pants, we can talk business while we wait for the tea."

Now, the dark mystic was officially confused, "Tea?"

Troia ignored the query as she knitted a crown of daisies and chattered, "First off, this is New Chronus, home of the Titans. They like your group name by the way…" The girl paused, "I suppose this really isn't a place, more like a state of mind. Anyway, when that sad, little man blasted you, you got sent to Limbo. He really is quite smart. He just needs some more positive friends."

Raven rolled her eyes, "Right. You said Limbo. I'm sure I forgot about being sent to the front door of the Abyss." Limbo was a notably unpleasant dimension where lost souls were condemned to drift forever amid their own woes until the end of time, not something forgettable by any means.

Troia tilted her head, "Sarcasm. Neat. But you were there for just a second before Cronus pulled you out and dumped you here."

The half-daemon replied, "Cronus? King of the Greek Titans? The one who ate his own children?" Troia leaned towards Raven's ear, "Keep this between us, but that was a horrible rumor. He goes dragon-watching with Zeus every week or so. He's very nice, for the former Lord of Creation."

Raven backed off and muttered, "Is there a point to this story?"

Troia pouted, "Fine. The Titans used to play games with people, bad games. Most of them feel bad about what they did and didn't do back then. So they try to make up for it now by helping out when they can."

The dark mystic nodded slowly, "Okay. Thanks, I guess… Does that help to get me home?"

"Of course," chirped the girl, her eyes happy again at Raven's cooperation. The half-daemon let her eyes wander over the idealic landscape as the silence grew.

She asked, "When is this going to happen? My friends were fighting that 'sad little man' when I was dragged here and I want to help out."

Troia adjusted the daisy crown on her head before shrugging off an answer, "Don't worry. It will take as long as it will take and then you'll show up in the nick of time, time travel stuff, I think. One of Metis' favorite tricks. He's such a show off… Oh! Here it comes!" Raven turned in time to see a flock of cherubs with polychromic wings descend towards them, a massive seashell borne between them. The shell touched down with a soft thud in the dirt and the cherubs scattered, wings flashing like a rainbow. They giggled as Troia hugged one of their number; the victim beaming with pleasure.

"Thanks!" the girl called to the spirits as they departed. Raven had watched the scene in silence. She readjusted her stoic expression as Troia turned toward her again.

The girl took out a pair of cups and a steaming teapot, "Herbal tea? It should be your favorite mix… Sorry I couldn't find pizza, but I hope that fruit and fresh bread will do."

Raven forced herself to answer, "No. That will be fine." Troia poured a cup of tea and offered it to the half-daemon. Raven took a sip and paused in surprise. The tea was good. Very good.

Starfire dived at Control Freak from above, her fists glowing with emerald energy. Unfortunately, at her current speed, she would reach the obese villain in about six hours, thanks to the 'slow motion' function of his weapon. "I love slow motion," giggled the super geek, "It allows you to catch all those hidden features…" He ogled the alien and his palms sweated with pleasure.

Robin turned his head away from the hoard of living sausages spilling from a nearby hotdog cart to call out, "Leave her alone!" The hotdogs squirmed menancingly towards the boy wonder in a glistening tide. The distraction cost Robin dearly as he was tripped and the hoard piled on top of him with the thud of a ton of meat. He struggled to rise as the pile grew and covered his head.

Muffled cries bled from beneath the pile as Control Freak smirked, "I guess that it's time for you to 'meat' your match. Get it? Meat instead of…" A whine warned Control Freak to dodge as Cyborg's sonic cannon tore a rift in the concrete. He looked up to see the remaining pair of Titans closing with him.

Beastboy grimaced, "Dude, that is not funny and I should know…" Cyborg and Beastboy charged in directly and got caught in a lavender beam of light projecting from Control Freak's weapon.

They ran backwards and a stream of gibberish streamed from Beastboy's mouth, "wohk dluohs I dna ynnuf ton si taht, Edud." The effect stopped and the pair of Titans stumbled to a halt.

The changeling began, "Dude, that is not… What just happened?"

Cyborg cooled his cannon, "I think we just got rewound."

He barked out an order, "Split up so he can't catch both of us at once!" The pair split to two sides, but they didn't get far when the lavender beam hit them again.

Control Freak smirked, "I could do this all day, Titans. I really could. You should try it sometime…" He laughed as the pair stumbled into one another with a bang.

The obese foe broke off as Starfire came out of the slow motion effect and plowed into the ground. An explosion sent scorched sausage in all directions. Robin dusted himself off as he staggered to his feet, "Control Freak. It's time for you to get unplugged." Starfire nodded stern agreement.

Beady eyes darted from Titan to Titan while Control Freak considered his options, "I don't think so. Pause!" A wave of light and noise flared out from Control Freak's weapon, catching everyone within 100 yards in the effect. Birds hung mid air. People were awkwardly frozen mid-step. The Titans were locked in place around their target.

In the midst of this suddenly stilled chaos, Control Freak straightened with an awed look on his face, "Sweet… I have to go on caffeine highs more often. Now where was that 'Delete' feature again? Note to self: labels."

Raven succumbed to the inevitable and settled into the meal. If Troia wasn't going to be overwhelmingly helpful and get her home, she'd have to wait. Besides, the tea was very good and the fruit did look fresh. The dark mystic settled comfortably on the ground as she took a cautious bite of the golden slice of damp peach. Troia was cheerfully stuffing her face with bread slathered in cream cheese.

Bits of food splattered in all directions as she gabbed, "So, Rhea said to Chronus, 'If Venus is such a mess, why didn't you fix it before handing power over to that good for nothing child of yours?'. This made him get all mad and he responded, 'I had a daemonic incursion to stop at the time and then there was the Dark Phoenix crisis…'" Raven's face twitched as a chunk of half-chewed bread landed in her tea cup.

Eyeing the offensive piece of food, the half-daemon deadpanned, "As interesting as this story is, do you think we could talk later? When you don't have food in your mouth?"

Troia paused and flushed red, "Ummm… Sure. Sorry."

Raven replied in a monotone, "No problem." Troia went back to playing with the flowers.

A quiet settled over the scene, broken gently by the lolling of the distant cattle and the rustle of the grass. Raven breathed out slowly. She felt her muscles untense and something gave way in her mind, a pressure letting go. The dark mystic scanned the landscape. She felt peaceful, calm in a way she hadn't since her Father had first attacked her mind in Azarath at age six.

Raven pulled down her hood and settled into the lotus position, almost unconscious of Troia's reaction until she butted in, "Go ahead. Don't mind me. You're here to relax anyway…" The half-daemon darted a startled glance at the triumphantly grinning girl behind her, embarrassed by her zoning out.

She murmured hesitantly, "Thank you." Troia giggled and fell silent as Raven lifted off the ground and slipped into a meditative state.

Her mantra dripped softly from her lips, "Azarath Medrion Zinthos. Azarath Medrion Zinthos. Azarath…"

A blissful eternity later, Raven was startled out of her restful trance.

She dropped to the ground as Troia chattered, "…sorry to disturb you, but we have some things to talk about before you get sent home. Important stuff." Raven repressed her surprise and opened her eyes to look at the black-haired girl. She noticed that the sun was setting behind the mountains and staining everything orange.

Raven looked at Troia calmly and asked, "How long have I been meditating?"

"Felt like forever didn't it?"

Raven hesitantly answered, "Yes it did, actually…"

Troia shrugged happily, "First time mediating without Trigon battering at your skull, huh? Least we could do, since you're going to solve one of our major problems." Raven blinked rapidly as a tumble of thoughts swam through her mind at this comment.

Troia waved off Raven's gathering response and began again, "Look. The Titans, the ones in the city back there, not the ones on your team, were born from Chaos and took control of the universe just after it was formed. That means they had to deal with all the mess God left behind…" Raven nodded slowly and asked, "That included daemons didn't it?" "Right. So. They stuffed the lot of them in the Abyss and sealed the door."

Troia's expression darkened, "Unfortunately the door hasn't held perfectly. They come in and out of the Abyss at random, which is easier on the higher-energy planes than the lower. Big ones need Keys to get in to the prime material plane."

Raven nodded in sudden insight, "And I'm Trigon's Key. Perfect…"

Troia intoned, "Yeah. You are. It kind of sucks…" Raven's frozen expression spoke volumes about how much anger and contempt she was repressing at the glib comment.

"Don't get all moody on me! I'm just the messenger and you know this already," Troia stated as she continued, "But there's stuff you don't know, information straight from the Fates themselves."

Raven got up and muttered, "Get on with it then…"

Troia got up as well and waved a finger at Raven's face, "Geez. You are moody. First off, that 'end of the world' prophecy thing? Don't worry so much about it. Most prophecies only see the POSSIBLE future. They can always be changed. The one given at your birth is one of those. Second, and this is straight from the source, I heard someone ask Clotho, the oldest Fate sister, about Trigon, you and the end of the world. She just cackled loudly and muttered something along the lines of, 'bitten off more than he can chew this time'. What's bad for Trigon must be good for everyone else and Clotho would know."

Raven didn't quite know what to make of this spiel and pushed back a lock of hair, "Okay. Care to repeat that? That wasn't the easiest information to absorb at once…"

Troia shook her head, "Sorry. We're out of time. I have to send you back now. Just kick Trigon's butt for me. We can't help much, but I wanted to tell you that you can, daemons have rules…" She reached up and stuck a daisy behind Raven's ear before stepping back."

The half-daemon's eyes flared white, "Wait a second! You can't mess with me like that! I want some answers…" Her voice trailed off as a circle of yellow light erupted all around her and cut her off from Troia.

The girl chattered loudly over the rising whine of the spell, "He's going to mess with you. He's always been like that. Don't let him get to you with that 'this is your destiny' crap. I want to have a planet to come home to in a few years. I've been dying for a decent stick of cotton candy. If you give up, then Trigon has you for sure…" Everything was growing hazy to the dark mystic, the yellow glare flooding her vision and a wailing blocking out her hearing. Raven stepped back and let the spell take her home. The air flashed. A thunderous crack echoed off the mountains. Troia's ponytail blew backwards with the magical wind. Then, Raven was gone and Troia stood alone on the hill. She smiled and flew off towards the gilded city.

Control Freak was enjoying his weapon's features, setting the Titans on slow motion and rewinding them repeatably. He gloated, "Pity the delete function no longer works. Guess I'll have to settle for blasting you." He did so and sent the airborne Robin slowly spiraling backwords.

Cyborg came out of the slow motion effect, fell on his face awkwardly, and shouted, "You little geek! Sooner or later you're going to run out of power and then I'll empty a whole barrel of buttwhup on your couch-potato ass!"

Control pouted, "So rude."

He fired his weapon at the recovering metahuman, "ssa otatop-hcuoc rouy no puhwttub fo elohw…"

Control Freak smiled greasily at Cyborg's embarassment, "It's good to be on the winning side for once. I could get used to this."

There was a flash of light and the villain whirled to face the source of the distraction. Raven stood crouched next to a door. Her cloak settled about her as she took in the condition of the battle. Her eyes locked on the packs protruding over Control Freak's shoulders. Control Freakchuckled, "So you're back. Guess you wanted to join the party." Raven gestured slightly in reply. Black energy engulfed the villain's frame and lifted him into the air before focusing on his pack. Control Freak shouted in alarm and brought his weapon to bear on the half-daemon. Scythes of ebony power passed through the pack and it groaned as smoke vented from the rents in its metallic form. Control pressed the trigger of his weapon. Nothing happened.

Raven flatly replied as she dropped him, "Looks like your party is over." The Titans came out of their various entanglements, some more gracefully than others. Robin flew backwards and impacted a garbage can, splattering filth all over his uniform. Starfire touched down, relieved at the change of events. The remaining pair of males helped each other up and surrounded their erstwhile tormentor.

Control Freak was beside himself, weeping as he frantically pressed buttons on his unresponsive weapon, "Come on! Work! Please! We can take them! We had the Teen Titans in the palm of our hand… Just give me a little more juice…" A large hand tapped the disconsolate geek's shoulder and Control Freak looked up into a stern bionic visage, mascara running down his pudgy face.

Cyborg intoned, "It's over. Get used to it." He sent a fist pummeling into Control Freak's fat cheek. Control Freak was sent flying. He hit a wall and slid limply to the ground.

Robin staggered up the group, resting one arm on Starfire's elbow, "Everyone ok?" There were grunts and nods before everyone turned to face Raven, who had her hood down. Cyborg grinned, "Good timing, Raven. You couldn't have made a better entrance. How did you get back anyway?"

Raven was kept from replying as Starfire gushed, "We were most distraught at your disappearance. Please tell us how you returned after being deleted…"

Raven replied, "Long story. Very long story. Can I tell you later?"

Beastboy stared at the dark mystic and ventured, "I have another question. Why do you have a daisy behind your ear?" The other Titans looked at the blossom as well. Raven snatched the offending blossom from its resting place and dropped it on the ground.

She muttered, "Part of said long story. Tell you latter. It's been a long day."

Robin quirked an eyebrow, "Raven, we've been fighting Control Freak for twenty minutes. Where did you go again?"

Raven rolled her eyes as Robin waved his own question away, "Never mind, we can discuss it latter. Let's get Control Freak back to the police and go home." The other Titans nodded agreement and scattered to their respective tasks. When Raven thought no one was looking, she bent down and stuffed the daisy into a pouch. A wary smile danced briefly across her lip.

So you made it through this sappy Raven love-fest, the story in search of a point if there ever was one. Kind of odd for me, but I was feeling guilty after reading this one fic called 'Teen Titans vs. Fanfiction' by Shekron Kaizar, odd little story that got me feeling guilty. Damn Conscience… Anyway, if you see fit, leave a review and tell me what you think. Good? Bad? Cartoony as Hell? Thank you for your time.


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